At what cost?

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately: my health, insurance, school, money, my future, and the list goes on and on. Lately, they all seem to be blurring into one huge stormy raincloud. Thankfully, my health is stable right now. But the rest are just a huge "I don't know".

Let me start by saying that I haven't been myself lately and I'm not quite sure when that'll change. The point of this blog was for me to talk about things affecting my life, both Arthritis related and not, and part of me doing that is being honest.

That being said, I haven't been myself lately because of the factors listed above.

School is insane. I'm not going to go into it because I feel like a broken tape player that keeps replaying the same song over and over again. To sum it up, I've been working on a huge portion of work for months now with no idea if it'll even matter. That means that until the higher ups feel that it should matter, I have to stay where I'm at in the program (Here's where my future comes into play). All while still working for the higher ups on literally everything and anything else they can think of. That's just the dissertation part of it, then there's classes, practicum, and work.
To sum it up: I feel like I'm on a treadmill and I've got this paper that says "PASS" in front of me on a string and I keep running towards it, but I can never reach it.

Insurance and Money go hand in hand. I had a meeting today with this guy about health insurance because I get kicked off of my parents in August. We've always known that this was going to be something we all were going to hate. Well, we were right. It's insane to me that because of my preexisting condition, I have very limited choices. Turns out I'll be paying around 400-500 a month for health insurance....oh and that doesn't cover my shot which is a speciality drug either...or dental....or eyes. And yes, I know what you're thinking: most insurances don't. Well, see, because of my wonderful preexisting condition and all the symptoms that come with it, I have to see a dentist and eye specialist every 6 months. So that we'll figure out later. Back to the shots, my shot is around 1100 dollars a month I believe, you can ask mom if you're really interested. The insurance that I will have only covers half of that. So what's 400-500 + let's say another 500....that's 900-1000 dollars a month. FOR HEALTH INSURANCE. Thankfully, I have a wonderful family that are able to help me with this cost. They wouldn't let me put a craigslist ad out for "Marriage for an insurance card", so instead they are doing what they can to help me. Being a student I barely make 400 a month as it is, not to mention rent, food, gas, electricity, and student loans only cover so much. This makes my brain go crazy though. What about those who are like me? Who are worse than me? How do they get their medications, let alone be seen by a doctor at all? We need better options, we need more options, and we need cheaper options. And having a preexisting condition shouldn't matter either way.

I was asked by the higher ups not to long ago if I had considered delaying a year in the program because the higher ups were worried about my mental and physical health, and quality of my dissertation, not that this was an issue, but simply a "precaution" and if you ask some, a conspiracy...but that's another story for another time. Side note: this was the spark that started the downhill ball of flames. I respectfully asked if there was a reason for me to do so and when there was no reason stated back to me, I responded that I could get the work done and I have done so thus far without a problem. "But at what cost", was the response I got.

That stuck with me.

It still echoes in my head at night.

At what cost.

That's always the question. And the answer every single time is: Everything.

This dream I have of pursuing my doctoral degree would be nothing if I did not put everything I had into it. The same is said if I'm held back. Nothing is going to change except the cost rises because then I'll have to pay for my insurance longer than I would if I matched with an internship site and got it through them. Oh and my level of stress because I'll still be in the same hamster wheel.

A dream is not a dream if you don't fight for it. It's not a dream if you don't put every bit of energy, blood, sweat, and tears into it just for a shot that that dream might come true.

Yes, I realize i'm talking about school. However, if you were in my head right now, you would see that this is how I'm having to think about it.

I care about this work, I care about the people around me, and I care about doing my best at my job.

I'm doing everything in my control, which is very little, to get my part done. That way, if it crumbles to the ground, I can walk away knowing I did everything I could.

I'm currently working at UF Shands Trauma One Center in Jacksonville as a practicum site. I'm driving there Tuesdays after class and I'm coming back Wednesday nights. I can't tell you how grateful I am for this experience. It couldn't have come at a better time, honestly. Being there is a daily/weekly reminder of what I want to do, the setting I want to do it in, and the people I want to work with. I'm working with individuals at their lowest. They are torn a part, broken, beaten down, and some, some have had everything taken from them in a split second due to something as simple as falling down and hitting their head wrong. Seeing the rawness, the vulnerability, and the resiliency that people have is amazing and life changing. This is why I haven't given up. This is why I keep pushing forward. My stress right now is nothing compared to theirs. I understand that everything I write about is something that everyone experiences and that it's just my turn to go through it. That doesn't make it any less sucky though.

My mentor who just left me to go live life on the west coast told me once, "You've got to remember why you're doing this, that'll get you through it".

So, again, at what cost?
Everything. Because I know what I'm meant to do and what I love doing, therefore I'm going to give it everything I have to reach that dream. It might not feel like it's going to be ok, but it's gonna be what it is and I have to be okay with that.