Today marks 2 years of no prednisone. 2 years. It blows my mind. I think back to the spring semester of 2016 and I remember the withdrawal symptoms like it was yesterday, click here for the 1 year anniversary post.
The turbulent highs and lows of my mood (I'm still apologizing to those around me for that), the angry thoughts I had about myself ("you suck", "you're weak") and my situation ("you're totally an imposter here and they all know it"), the dizziness (the whole room was spinning at one point), the feeling that I would never get better (one of the few thoughts that still scares me).
The turbulent highs and lows of my mood (I'm still apologizing to those around me for that), the angry thoughts I had about myself ("you suck", "you're weak") and my situation ("you're totally an imposter here and they all know it"), the dizziness (the whole room was spinning at one point), the feeling that I would never get better (one of the few thoughts that still scares me).
But I did.
Just like I’ve gotten through each hospitalization, surgery, medication symptom, family death, School obstacle, and daily stressor.
You get through it.
We get through it.
This year has been one of the hardest, mentally, that I have ever been through.
We all have those, I get that. And each year brings new challenges that we all must face.
2014 was emotionally challenging, 2016 was physiologically challenging, 2017 was mentally challenging.
This past year challenged me to push myself in a way that I never had. I wrote a document that was 80+ pages (you would think I would remember the number with all the time I spent on it, but once you pass a certain point, keeping track no longer matters), I defended that document, I added another chapter to that document (100+ pages), defended that, then applied to internships, and now interviewing for those internships...all while taking a full load of classes, working at 2 practicum sites, and having an assistantship. Now, I’m just giving you the cliff notes version and I’m not looking for a pat on the back here. Literally every Ph.D student goes through this and my experience isn’t anything super special. I’m just writing this out in hopes that I will finally believe that this past year I actually accomplished something.
Yep, still not there yet.
I wanted to quit so many times. If you read my last post, you’ll understand where my head was at. I wasn’t in a great state of mind.
But I got through it, even when I thought I couldn’t.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only a few more educational obstacles left, but the feeling like my hard work is finally paying off sure does make it all seem worth it.
Just like experiencing those withdrawal symptoms from over 9 years of prednisone have led me to becoming healthier. I mean, it only took 2 years and a knee surgery, but I’m working out at least 3 times a week, I’ve changed my diet, and I'm listening (sometimes) to my doctors.
I don’t know what type of challenge 2018 will bring. Maybe I’ll finally see just how badass I am (wow, that sounds super cocky when I write it out. Y’all know my brother got that gene and not me, right?) or maybe it’ll continue to mold me Into the person I’m meant to be.
Whatever happens, I know one thing.
I’ll get through it.
I know this one is short and I haven't written since June, but stay tuned, one of my goals for 2018 is to write more. That being said, I have a few different blog ideas in the works…they might come from my own site or they might be through a few other professional sites. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to share them either way!
