Tuesday, March 29, 2016

I remember

One year ago today I was being admitted into the hospital for what will be remembered as one of the scariest hospital experiences I've had. That's saying a lot considering the fact that I've been in and out of the hospital more times than the average 24 year old!

If you want to read about it and haven't yet, here it is! I suggest reading it because it's a really good post (not to brag or anything lol!) and it'll give you an understanding about it all.


It's funny because my doctors still talk about it.
Last time I was there over christmas break, one reminded me, "hey, you were one really sick person"....thanks for reminding me!

I'd be lying if I said I don't still worry about those things.
Every time I see a rash pop up, I immediately check it every time I change clothes.
If I get sick, I am thinking of every possible outcome that could happen.

It's how I think.
When you have so many experiences that end the same way, you can't help it.
I always joke with others about my luck and they laugh it off and shake their heads, but come on...look at my track record.

It gets overwhelming sometimes. Like there's this fear that it will happen again and I won't bounce back like I have before.

I'm not scared of getting sick, I'm not scared of the hospital, and I'm not even scared of dying.
I'm scared of being that weak again.

Read my post above and you'll understand.

I've talked to one of my friends about this before. I know I'm not alone in feeling this.

But it happens. You have a mini freakout because the possibility of that happening is very very real.

So I remember.

And it's not something that I have to try hard to do. It's actually pretty weird...

I remember each room that I've ever been in at the hospital. I can tell you which way my bed faced, where the window was at, where my room was in the hallway, and if it was close to the nurses station. I can even tell you stories about certain times I was there.

For example:
I remember being at Vandy getting lab work done and I was promised O'Charleys if I was good. On the way out, we saw this little kid being pulled around in a little red wagon with an IV pole. I can remember thinking, man, that's cool that he gets to ride in a wagon inside!

There are a few others too!

The most important thing about me remembering is that I get better.
Each time I go in the hospital, I come out.

I think that calms my mind a little bit.

I still can't help but get worried that I'll be that weak again.
But knowing how far I've come in the last year reminds me that I am strong.

I mean, I went from getting the max amount of steroids that someone can take in a day to being completely off of them in less than a year.

That's insane!

I'm also finishing my second semester of the doc program here at FSU.
While I have many, many more to go....it's nice to be able to look back on the things that I've done despite everything.

Here's to making it 1 year without another hospital experience ;)

Let's try to make it one more lol!

Side note: I debated for a good 10 minutes about putting up one of the hospital pictures but figured it might freak you out since I was more red than white...so if you wanna see a cool picture, hit me up! lol! It's pretty weird looking!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Spring Cleaning

I've only really posted about this topic one other time because it's not something I normally dwell on. But in light of today's events and the greatness that is the post-steroids kara, I thought I would share my current thoughts on the issue.

Here is my other post and most of it hold's true:


However, when I went back to read it I laughed at how happy and optimistic I sounded.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still those things, just a little bit more realistic.

I came home from class today and for some absurd reason I thought I would try on clothes in my closet. I wanted to go through and see what dresses would be good for practicum and since it's getting warmer It would be nice to have some on hand.


This was one of those times where I wish I had a roommate to come in and slap me across the head.
Needless to say, thirty minutes later my closet was half empty in a bag on my floor and I was doing a blogilates workout. All while my inner monologue was telling me how fat I looked and how much weight I've gained since I got this dress and those pants and that skirt.

Now let's pause and rewind back to spring break.

All I wanted to do was to go fish. Did I get to do that? No. Why? Because four of my days were spent at the doctors office getting allergy tested and told that I was doing great off of my steroids. And when I wasn't at the doctor's office I was laying in bed because the stress from school had caught up to me and made me so exhausted I didn't even want to move.

In 3 days, It'll be 2 months that I've been off of the steroids.
The doctors say "Oh, you must be feeling so great!", "oh you're only flaring a little bit", and "oh you're going to be so happy now".

Nope. I feel like crap. It takes me an hour each morning just to get my body ready to get ready for the day. And happy is one of the 102 moods I feel during the day and it certainly isn't the frontrunner.

Yes, overall steroids are bad for you.

But as you can see in my other posts, it's hell getting and remaining off of them.

Back to the story...

So now, I'm laying on my heating pad writing this because it'll take me a little over an hour to get moving in the morning (no I'm not exaggerating) because I felt so self-conscious about my body that I felt the need to put myself in more pain in order to attempt to feel better about myself.

Does that make sense to you? Because to me it makes sense, but it shouldn't have to.
You get where I'm going here?

I shouldn't have to feel bad about my body or the way I look or the fact that I haven't lost any weight since getting off the meds like I thought I would.

I shouldn't have to, but I do.
And I know part of that is due to my newfound thoughts since being off the medication.
Being in more pain means feeling more emotions.

I get that.

But what about the girls who don't have the excuse of having a chronic illness?
What about the girls who are on medication and still feel like crap because they can't fit into the outfits displayed at the mall?

Society does a great job about telling us we need to have better self-esteem and feel better about our bodies, yet they expect us to look like Victoria secret models.

And now, the hot new topic is prescribing less pain medication and focusing on becoming more active, losing weight, and trying to eat healthier.

I'm slowly starting to walk a little bit each day because I know I need to start off exercising slow. I get that. I know it will help. I also try to eat healthier.

But what if that doesn't work?
Then what?

What if that's not the reason I'm in pain all the time?

It's a constant battle with trying to feel good in your own skin and taking care of your body, but how can you do that when you don't even feel good deep down in your bones?

I know that every girl has thoughts like this at least once in their life, so I don't feel so different writing about it.

But as one of my best friends told me tonight, it's time to empower each other into not feeling so pressure by others or society. So I challenge you to do that the next time you feel crappy cause your shirt's a little tight or the next time your friend says she looks fat. Tell her she's beautiful inside and out and it's not about how you look, it's about how you feel in your own skin.

Then, maybe we can begin to change a few things in this world by starting with ourselves.