Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The big 3

I'm sitting here trying to find the words in my brain that can describe the emotions that I'm feeling. You would think that being in the field I'm in that this would come easy to me. But talking about you, thinking about you, is never easy. This semester has been the hardest semester of my life and having this day fall in between two extremely important defenses makes it almost unmanageable.

Three years. It has been three years since I've seen your face or heard your voice. I was thinking about it this morning, does it truly get easier?

I know last year I wrote you a letter. I guess that's my way of coping or an attempt at coping.
For those of you reading that need some background information, here you go:


This year I'm just going to talk to you, like you're sitting here on the couch with me in an apartment you've never been in. If we were back at your place, you'd be in your chair in the corner watching everyone around the room with a smile on your face because you were just happy to be with us.

Even though you aren't here, I see you everywhere. Just the other day a beach boys song played and I stopped to think about all those times you drove us to baseball practice with their CD blaring in your truck. Every time it's a beautiful day and the sun is shining, I think of how much you would love to be at the beach with us.

You remember a few weeks ago when I went home for Easter and we were all outside watching Adele play? I could almost hear you laughing because Delayney was acting just like Michael when she didn't want to wash the dog off!

You were there. You're always there.

You're there every single time I doubt myself in this program. Every time I want to quit because I'm stressed and I have zero confidence in myself, I think of that day. You know the one! The day that I told you I got into the masters program here at FSU. I told you it was time you returned to your roots and rejoin the seminole tribe, that Michael could share you cheering for both teams now. I handed you the seminole hat and the look on your face. That look keeps me going.

This week has been hell and the only thing keeping me going right now is how proud you were of me that day. I don't want to let you down. I won't let you down.

I truly wish you were here right now. I could really use a candy run! You know, that's a good idea. I'll take the girls for one this weekend. We talk about you all the time, you know Roxy is turning out a lot like me and you. No, that's not a bad thing. But I swear she's just as stubborn as us!

I can totally hear you right now asking me why I'm crying. You know why, so don't make me say it.

I'll give Michael a hug from you and the girls, mom, and aunt Kim a kiss. I'll call and tell Mommalaine you love her and that you're proud she's still taking those traveling adventures.

Don't worry, we know you're here with us, always.
I love you, 3.