I have one final and a day left until I can enjoy my week off.
But which one will break me?
I'm supposed to study all day tomorrow in preparation for my exam but my mind will be elsewhere.
I'm hoping that by taking the time and writing it all out tonight, tomorrow won't be as hard.
But I know that's a lie.
So I'll write out all of my thoughts for you to read and lock away my feelings as a means of really bad coping (I should know better, right?!) and move forward. Because moving forward is what you would want me to do.
I cannot believe that it has been 2 years. Wow. I remember that morning like it was yesterday. I woke up and checked my phone because it was Becky's birthday and I wanted to know if she had gotten off the cruise ship so I could call her. Don't apologize, I know that you didn't get a say in the day! We always joke about God's timing and that was proof that it really is up to him. David walked in and said you were gone. I think it took me a minute to register what he meant because I had just woken up, but as soon as I did, I thought about Michael. You always told me to look out for him and the moment I needed to do that the most, I couldn't. I remember messaging a few friends he had there so they could go be with him until mom and I could get there. Those were a rough few weeks, but I remember every single detail. I remember driving to Michael's Blue Key event that you looked forward to so much, I remember finals week, I remember arguing with Michael in the car and poor Leah having to play referee. I remember driving by the funeral home with your name on the sign and I could feel my heart stop because I had forgotten to drive the other way home so we wouldn't see it. I remember all of your students coming to say goodbye. Papa they were so honored to be taught by you! I think every single person who met you felt that same way. Can you believe 803 people came that day?! And don't you dare shake your head at me right now, you deserved that. I know you can see how much our lives have changed in the last 2 years, but let me just tell you that we miss you every single day. The girls are growing up so much. I know you are so proud of them. Michael is nearly finished with his first year of law school. I think you and I both agree that his arguing is getting him somewhere! Mommalaine just completed her AA type group! I know you want her busy, so I'm glad she's doing it. I'll stop recapping everything now because I can hear you telling me how stupid I sound lol! I miss arguing with you when you're being stubborn. I miss hearing you tell me to calm down. I think it's hard to explain just how much I miss you because you were more than just a typical grandfather. When I tell people about the family I explain that there's not just 4 of us...there are 10...there was 10. We couldn't just go eat without all of us going. We did everything together and even 2 years later I have to still count in my head and remind myself that you aren't here anymore. I think one of the hardest things in you leaving was knowing that there is never going to be another man as great as you on this earth. All of my friends can agree! I think it's safe to say that we all want a guy to love us and treat us like you treated mommalaine and the truth is, nobody will ever compare to you. Don't tell me to stop! I know you're rolling your eyes at me, but you know I won't settle for anything less! I get my stubborn side from you. "Kara Drive to McDonalds for the coke, but I want the burger from burger king" or "when I die you've gotta drive me around one last time". And for you, I did both! I hope that I can be as strong as you, as kind as you, and as loving as you. And each day until I see you again, I'll do my best to remember that every day is a good day.
I miss you and I love you,
P.S. Layney and Rox would want me to tell you, 3+4!
Incase you're reading this and thinking, gosh this was a random, depressing post...here's a little background:
While I know today wasn't related to anything close to my RA, I have some tricks up my sleeve for the future. I'm gonna have a guest blogger coming up, get excited!! It's gonna be good :)