We're all Buzzed

And before you ask, no, it's not the good kind of buzz.

I didn't think about describing pain like this until after the conference. It's really the perfect example of what we feel like on a day to day basis.

I can't take credit for this thought though. It was said by Ana Villafane during one of the breakout sessions and everybody in the room related to it.

She was saying how we all have a daily buzz, like a certain of level of pain we deal with daily. Then, during that day or when you're having a bad day there will be a spike of pain.
Imagine a heart rate line if you're a visual person.

Not many people seem to realize that this is a daily occurrence. While we may look okay and act okay, our bodies may not feel okay.

We are really good actors!
Or at least try to be.

So we are constantly dealing with this buzz of pain that never seems to go away.
At this point in my life I don't really notice the buzz anymore. It's like the sound of the air conditioner, it becomes background noise that you don't pay attention to anymore.

That's just me though.
Everybody is different.

I do believe that we have higher pain tolerances because of the constant buzz that we deal with.

I'm pretty proud of my high pain tolerance!
You've gotta find the bright side somewhere, right?!

It's the spikes that are hard to deal with.
When you get so used to the idea of "normal" being a certain level of pain that the change catches you off guard.

You know you can handle it because you've done it before, but it's almost like you've got the feeling of "I have to deal with pain on a daily basis, why do I have to deal with hurting even more".

Bad days are called bad days for a reason.

I remember about 2 or 3 years ago we were changing my meds because I had plateaued and it just wasn't helping anymore. I flared constantly. My buzz wasn't a buzz, it had flipped and I was just spikes all the time.

I can remember one day just breaking down and having a total temper tantrum at 21 years old.
I was sitting on the floor in my closet because I didn't want my roommates to hear me crying. I probably couldn't even help myself get up off the floor anyway lol!

I slapped my closet door because I just wanted to feel something other than the pain I was feeling at that moment.
Maybe it was the idea or curiosity of whether I could feel more pain than what I was experiencing.
I'm not sure.
I know it probably doesn't make sense to you, or it might.
But when you have moments like that where you feel pain all the time, you just need something to reassure yourself that yes, you are normal.

Don't worry, my hand was fine lol!
I didn't even have the strength to slap it hard which is the funny part!

Half the time it's not the pain that gets you.
It's the emotions associated with the pain.

The weakness, the feeling that this will never go away, the "why me", and the thought of just giving up.

If the pain wasn't enough, you've got the mind games that come along with it.
I hate the saying, "mind over matter".

No matter what I'm thinking, what I tell myself, or what I believe...the pain is still going to be there.

I could be having all of those negative thoughts and it won't change the amount of pain I'm in.
It can make me feel like crap.
It can make me depressed.
But it doesn't make the pain go away.

The same goes for positive thoughts, which I do my best to think!
These thoughts are better! When you're having a bad day it's easy to let the negative thoughts take over. But you have to let the angel beat the devil on you shoulder.
"You are strong"
"You can handle this"
"Don't give up"
While these are wonderful and the counselor in me applauds all of us for thinking of them, it's not going to change the amount of pain we're in.

That's why I dislike "mind over matter".

So you have the emotions, the mind games that come with that, and then the pain.

That's what you get on a bad day.
Plus whatever you have going on in your life at that time lol!

It sounds fun doesn't it?

Don't think that every flare or spike is like that though.
Some days aren't as bad as others.
I gave you an example of a really bad day just so you can see where our minds might wander from time to time.

Some days when we spike we just might be in a crappy mood!
In which case we just act like moody teenagers lol!

Just understand that we do, for the most part, have a constant level of pain that we experience.
We are buzzed all day everyday ;)