Spring Cleaning

I've only really posted about this topic one other time because it's not something I normally dwell on. But in light of today's events and the greatness that is the post-steroids kara, I thought I would share my current thoughts on the issue.

Here is my other post and most of it hold's true:

http://ribbonsbowsandhospitalbracelets.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-perfect-fit.html

However, when I went back to read it I laughed at how happy and optimistic I sounded.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still those things, just a little bit more realistic.

I came home from class today and for some absurd reason I thought I would try on clothes in my closet. I wanted to go through and see what dresses would be good for practicum and since it's getting warmer It would be nice to have some on hand.

BAD IDEA.

This was one of those times where I wish I had a roommate to come in and slap me across the head.
Needless to say, thirty minutes later my closet was half empty in a bag on my floor and I was doing a blogilates workout. All while my inner monologue was telling me how fat I looked and how much weight I've gained since I got this dress and those pants and that skirt.

Now let's pause and rewind back to spring break.

All I wanted to do was to go fish. Did I get to do that? No. Why? Because four of my days were spent at the doctors office getting allergy tested and told that I was doing great off of my steroids. And when I wasn't at the doctor's office I was laying in bed because the stress from school had caught up to me and made me so exhausted I didn't even want to move.

In 3 days, It'll be 2 months that I've been off of the steroids.
The doctors say "Oh, you must be feeling so great!", "oh you're only flaring a little bit", and "oh you're going to be so happy now".

Nope. I feel like crap. It takes me an hour each morning just to get my body ready to get ready for the day. And happy is one of the 102 moods I feel during the day and it certainly isn't the frontrunner.

Yes, overall steroids are bad for you.

But as you can see in my other posts, it's hell getting and remaining off of them.

Back to the story...

So now, I'm laying on my heating pad writing this because it'll take me a little over an hour to get moving in the morning (no I'm not exaggerating) because I felt so self-conscious about my body that I felt the need to put myself in more pain in order to attempt to feel better about myself.

Does that make sense to you? Because to me it makes sense, but it shouldn't have to.
You get where I'm going here?

I shouldn't have to feel bad about my body or the way I look or the fact that I haven't lost any weight since getting off the meds like I thought I would.

I shouldn't have to, but I do.
And I know part of that is due to my newfound thoughts since being off the medication.
Being in more pain means feeling more emotions.

I get that.

But what about the girls who don't have the excuse of having a chronic illness?
What about the girls who are on medication and still feel like crap because they can't fit into the outfits displayed at the mall?

Society does a great job about telling us we need to have better self-esteem and feel better about our bodies, yet they expect us to look like Victoria secret models.

And now, the hot new topic is prescribing less pain medication and focusing on becoming more active, losing weight, and trying to eat healthier.

I'm slowly starting to walk a little bit each day because I know I need to start off exercising slow. I get that. I know it will help. I also try to eat healthier.

But what if that doesn't work?
Then what?

What if that's not the reason I'm in pain all the time?

It's a constant battle with trying to feel good in your own skin and taking care of your body, but how can you do that when you don't even feel good deep down in your bones?

I know that every girl has thoughts like this at least once in their life, so I don't feel so different writing about it.

But as one of my best friends told me tonight, it's time to empower each other into not feeling so pressure by others or society. So I challenge you to do that the next time you feel crappy cause your shirt's a little tight or the next time your friend says she looks fat. Tell her she's beautiful inside and out and it's not about how you look, it's about how you feel in your own skin.

Then, maybe we can begin to change a few things in this world by starting with ourselves.