One more day

One more day.
If I can just make it one more day then I know I've got what it takes.
One more day and then I can crawl into my bed and just forget my problems.
One more day.
Come on body, push yourself, one more time...one more day.

I've mentioned on here before if I get really emotionally drained or stressed I'll normally just remind myself what day it is.

Today is Tuesday.

Lately, my mantra has been one more day.

I think as counselors in this field, we take for granted the things we are taught.
I took a substance abuse class in my masters and I TA'd it last semester.

Everything I learned and then taught in that class didn't really mean anything to me at the time.
I wasn't interested in that population and I knew I was too naive to work in that setting.
"Oh you say you haven't had a drink in 3 weeks, that's amazing!! Congrats!!"
I'll literally believe anything they tell me!

But learning about your clients experiencing something and thinking you know what it's like and experiencing it yourself are two completely different things.

That's why I want to work with people with disabilities.
I can truly empathize with them.

So up until the last 2.5 weeks, I thought I understood what it was like to withdraw from a drug.

Now I constantly joke about how I'm addicted to my medication. My body cannot function without it.
That statement has never been more true.

Let me tell you about the last 2.5 weeks and you'll see why. You're also about to see a different Kara than the Kara you know. I was torn on whether or not to write about it all, but after the week I've had, I want to spread the word.

It's all about awareness, right?

I stopped taking my prednisone on the 20th of January. For those of you who don't know what this drug is, it's the miracle steroid. It can make you feel like a million bucks or it can make you feel like a bloated whale. It does both, but it helps you move so you endure it. I've been on this evil little pill for nearly 9 years. I've never been off of it for more than a week, that I can recall. I've also been on insane amounts of it before too. So when you think, "Oh, one little pill? That's nothing." No. I've been on IV bags of this.

It was time I get off of it for many reasons. My doctors wanted me off, my momma wanted me off, and I need to get allergy tested (this med suppresses my immune system and it suppresses things I could potentially be allergic too).

The first 3 or 4 days were easy. I wasn't wanting to eat everything in sight, I was a little achy but nothing I couldn't handle, and it was nice taking one less pill a day.

It wasn't until the end of the first week that I started experiencing the withdrawal symptoms.

Now let me pause here and just throw in that I didn't fully know what was happening to me until I started researching it. I found this article and sent it to my mom. She had also found similar results, which made me feel a bit relieved.

http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/06/10/prednisone-withdrawal-symptoms-how-long-do-they-last/

So this article mentions Body aches, depression, dizziness, fatigue, HPA changes, mood swings, joint pain, and a skin rash. All of which I have now experienced. And all of which can last up to a few months. Yay.

Now back to the story!
So I had started getting extremely dizzy and my brain was getting fuzzy. This worried me. I never really get dizzy and I've never experienced the brain fog that comes with Arthritis. So I called my mom and that's when she sent me more information and I was able to find the article above. It took me two more days before I called the doctor. The real game changer came when my professor called me out on it by asking if I was ok because my eyes were unfocused and I didn't seem like myself. That's when I knew that if others were noticing, I needed to do something about it.

Called the doctors, got tons of labs drawn, 2 EKG's, and then I waited. During this time I was (and still am) checking my sugar. If you read on the list (I only listed the ones I was experiencing) low blood sugar is listed. This is because the steroid pretty much takes over your glucose and when you get off, you're body doesn't know how to produce it anymore. Same thing with the HPA changes.

Well as it turns out, my blood sugar wasn't dropping. It was spiking into the 150s and 160s and then dropping to the 80s within an hour and a half. That, in my opinion, is what was causing the dizziness.

BUT! None of my doctors really believed me. Or if they did, they didn't say so and acted like this was completely normal and nothing was wrong with me. My labs came back fine, for the most part, and they just told me to continue monitoring things.



Really.

So at this point we are half way through week 2 and the mood swings and depression hit.
I'm aggravated that my labs are showing what I'm feeling, I'm ticked off that the doctors aren't validating my feelings, and I'm livid that these are the symptoms I'm having.
Give me pain! I can handle that!
Give me a rash! Lord knows I've been there!
Give me something to make them notice that I'm not okay.
I was feeling like I was losing my mind, my temper, and my patience all in one.
I wanted to bite people's heads off for no reason. Every little thing annoyed me and I didn't know why. I didn't have a legit reason to get mad or upset or cry, but I did.
I think I cried probably 3 days in a row and I rarely cry.
I just wanted proof and I didn't get it.
I've never felt that low and that mad before. It was totally out of my control. I would go from being normal and feeling like "I've got this" to absolutely screaming at myself because maybe it was all in my head. It was a rough 3 days.

Then mom tagged me in this article on facebook and I felt a little less crazy:
https://rheumatoidarthritis.net/living/just-head-impact-ra-mental-functioning/ 

Other people felt this way too. They knew exactly what I was going through with the doctors, hating that they couldn't do anything to fix it, and just wanting answers. Having a scientific explanation helped me. Knowing that there was a reason and that I wasn't just losing it pushed me to not give in and take a prednisone pill.

Because it is that easy. I have them in my bathroom right now. I bet you 100 dollars that I could take one of those and in 3 days be back to the old Kara. I told my doctor this too. It's that simple.

But I didn't lose my self-control. Still got that!

After the emotional rollercoaster that was a few days ago, the dizziness has decreased to once or twice a day and I'm no longer feeling as mad or depressed as I was. The mood swings have nearly gone so the emotional aspects have subsided for now lol! Fingers crossed. But it seems as one symptom goes away, another pops up. So currently my rashes are back (totally jinxed myself with that one) and the amount of pain I'm in is increasing.

But in the grand scheme of things, those I can handle. Those I got.

It's the "trying to control all of your emotions when you just want to explode for no reason" and the feeling of passing out that I have trouble with.

I was talking to my friend the other day and explaining that I was crying for no reason and that I didn't like that. She laughed and said, "Kara, you always have a reason to cry".  I think that helped.

Just like in counseling, sometimes all we need is validation for our feelings. Our doctors seem to forget that. If they can't visually see the numbers change or see the affects on your body (by golly they can now because of my rash!) then it's not happening to them. Or maybe it is, they just don't have answers for it.

That's something that we need to change. That's why I write on this blog. It's all about awareness.

One more day.
One more day and maybe this will pass.
One more day and maybe research will be done in order to find answers.
One more day knowing you aren't alone in this fight.

Totally didn't mean for this to happen, but this was stuck in my mind after writing this lol! And now I'm totally cracking up so i'm just going to leave this here!

https://youtu.be/-qkf0fLU2Ao


If you don't feel motivated after watching this, then I just can't help you anymore lol!

But really, thank you for reading and sharing this blog. If it wasn't for others who have arthritis and reading their posts, then this week would have been even more difficult to get through. I only hope that others will feel the same! :)