I think.
Normally, when my pain gets bad I'll just up my prednisone, take a muscle relaxer, or when I was younger I would get put in the hosptial.
But that was then...and...this is the first time that I'm actually having to deal with the pain without any help.
Yes, I could easily take my prednisone again, but I don't think I could take it and go through all of this again. Meaning that if I ever go back on it, I'm not coming off.
I could take a muscle relaxer except I don't have any and won't see the doctor until spring break.
And we all know that if I was to go to the hospital they would just shake their heads at me because honestly there's nothing that they can do to help and they are going to think I'm an addict wanting pills.
That's the thing I hate....how hospitals these days just think everyone wants meds. Ahh, I digress. That post is for another time.
So I'm having to deal with my pain...alone.
Needless to say I've cried and broken down more in the last few weeks than I have in the last year.
I swear if it wasn't for the stress of school and having to function like a normal person each day, it would be fine.
But it's not.
And because of that, I have to lie.
Now if you read my blog and see me most of the time, then it's not super hard to see through the act I put up. And if you know me well enough, it's easy to call me out.
But! If you don't know, and most of you I've been able to fool, now's your chance to find out.
It's funny because just the other day I had a classmate walk up to me and ask if I was ok because she could tell...but nobody else who had talked to me that day could. They were like, "I didn't know you didn't feel well" and I'm like, "that's totally ok, I was hiding it".
I don't like to go broadcasting that I feel like the tin man who got hit by a truck. I don't want others to feel bad for me, that's not my goal here. I want to be able to do what I need to do and it's just easier if I fake it till I make it lol!
Because of that, I lie. All the time.
Yeah, I'm doing fine!
Of course I'm ok!
No, I'm just tired.
And on and on and on.
It's what we do. We pretend everything is ok because for me:
1. I don't like the attention
2. I want to think that if I say I'm ok, I will be ok
and 3. I don't want others to think that If I'm sick, I won't be able to keep up with my responsibilities
So for me, it comes down to pushing through the pain and the not feeling great in order to show others that I'm capable of being normal.
Which everyone, including me, knows I'm not.
But I'm going to lie to you anyway.
In all reality, we all do it.
You do it when someone asks you how you are.
You respond with, "I'm good, and you?"
Because you know that if you say you aren't ok, then you have to explain yourself and it could get awkward and you don't know if the other person truly cares or if they are just asking because it's polite.
I also feel like if I truthfully answer the question it might make the other person feel weird. I don't know, it's just a thought in my head. Like ok, now I have to explain that I'm really ok with not feeling great because I'm totally used to it, which then makes me feel like they feel weird because I just blew through half my life story and they get confused and then it just becomes one big hot mess.
It's just easier for me to say that I'm ok.
Which lately I've been saying, "I'm here!" which is my way of saying I made it out of bed and got dressed today which means that's a W in my book.
If I had a tell, that would be it.
I said that to my professor the other day (the one who called me out for swaying in my seat) and she kind of scrunched her face and cocked her head in an I'm sorry way, then asked, "how long will you be feeling this way". Then I had to go into more details of how I wasn't sure, but I was really ok, and no I'm not suicidal, and yes I have help if I can't get dressed, and it was just one big mess.
So now I know that even though professors can tell that I don't feel well, to just lie to them anyway about it lol!
The funniest thing about this is....
I suck at lying.
I cannot keep a straight face to save my life.
When I was little or with my friends, they all knew when I wasn't telling the truth.
So I never lied because I knew I couldn't get away with it.
This is a little different.
Or maybe, everyone already knows and they don't want me to know that they know....
Or not. Who knows.
But because I lie all the time about how I'm really feeling, I figured I would let you in on some secrets.
These couldn't be more spot on.
http://themighty.com/2016/02/25-secrets-of-people-with-chronic-illnesses/
My favorites are: 3,6-10, 15, 22, and 25.
And remember that everything I'm saying here is how I feel and my opinions. While we might feel the same most of the time, not everyone truly thinks or feels the way I do about this disease.
In all seriousness, if you really do have a question or want to know something about the way I'm feeling, I'll do my best (pinky promise) to tell you the truth lol! ;)
But really, isn't that what this blog is for? Me unleashing all (almost) of my thoughts and feelings and opinions out into the world...well the internet world lol!
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