I remember

One year ago today I was being admitted into the hospital for what will be remembered as one of the scariest hospital experiences I've had. That's saying a lot considering the fact that I've been in and out of the hospital more times than the average 24 year old!

If you want to read about it and haven't yet, here it is! I suggest reading it because it's a really good post (not to brag or anything lol!) and it'll give you an understanding about it all.

http://ribbonsbowsandhospitalbracelets.blogspot.com/2015/04/just-like-good-ol-days.html

It's funny because my doctors still talk about it.
Last time I was there over christmas break, one reminded me, "hey, you were one really sick person"....thanks for reminding me!

I'd be lying if I said I don't still worry about those things.
Every time I see a rash pop up, I immediately check it every time I change clothes.
If I get sick, I am thinking of every possible outcome that could happen.

It's how I think.
When you have so many experiences that end the same way, you can't help it.
I always joke with others about my luck and they laugh it off and shake their heads, but come on...look at my track record.

It gets overwhelming sometimes. Like there's this fear that it will happen again and I won't bounce back like I have before.

I'm not scared of getting sick, I'm not scared of the hospital, and I'm not even scared of dying.
I'm scared of being that weak again.

Read my post above and you'll understand.

I've talked to one of my friends about this before. I know I'm not alone in feeling this.

But it happens. You have a mini freakout because the possibility of that happening is very very real.

So I remember.

And it's not something that I have to try hard to do. It's actually pretty weird...

I remember each room that I've ever been in at the hospital. I can tell you which way my bed faced, where the window was at, where my room was in the hallway, and if it was close to the nurses station. I can even tell you stories about certain times I was there.

For example:
I remember being at Vandy getting lab work done and I was promised O'Charleys if I was good. On the way out, we saw this little kid being pulled around in a little red wagon with an IV pole. I can remember thinking, man, that's cool that he gets to ride in a wagon inside!

There are a few others too!

The most important thing about me remembering is that I get better.
Each time I go in the hospital, I come out.

I think that calms my mind a little bit.

I still can't help but get worried that I'll be that weak again.
But knowing how far I've come in the last year reminds me that I am strong.

I mean, I went from getting the max amount of steroids that someone can take in a day to being completely off of them in less than a year.

That's insane!

I'm also finishing my second semester of the doc program here at FSU.
While I have many, many more to go....it's nice to be able to look back on the things that I've done despite everything.

Here's to making it 1 year without another hospital experience ;)

Let's try to make it one more lol!



Side note: I debated for a good 10 minutes about putting up one of the hospital pictures but figured it might freak you out since I was more red than white...so if you wanna see a cool picture, hit me up! lol! It's pretty weird looking!