It happens to the best of us

Warning: This post and the next post that may follow within a few days won't be like the rest you've read. They may be depressing, just giving you a heads up.

So as most of you know my papa who has fought cancer for over 10 years is currently in ICU and not getting better.

He's my hero, the one I look up to for strength.

He won't get better. 

I haven't lost hope, I would never lose hope, however he has cancer and unless it's a miracle by God, papa won't recover.

This is not me being a heartless person, this is me being realistic. 

There are a few things you need to know and this can relate to someone who has a chronic illness, knows someone with a disease, or just a human being in general who experiences a loss.

1. Everybody grieves differently and in different ways. Some people may cry, some people may not cry, some people may scream and yell, and some (like me) will internalize their stress and problems so much so that they start helping and taking care of others to avoid taking care of themselves. All of these ways are ok. Some may not be healthy, but when has being healthy ever been my thing, am I right?

2. Closure is not a real thing. Sorry to burst your bubble about thinking that one day you'll recieve full closure, but you won't. I'm not saying you can't strive for it, but something somewhere sometime will remind you of your loss and you'll feel that nostalgic feeling that takes you back. It's totally ok to do that. You wouldn't be a human otherwise. However, when you're facing a loss of any kind, don't think automatically that you need to be focusing on closure. You don't. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to miss that person or whatever loss you may be having (if I'm relating this to chronic illness issues, it would be the loss of good health, or the loss of experiences due to health issues). It's ok to be upset.

3. You're gonna go through phases where you cry, curse the world, and go numb. At least in my experiences with loss, that's what I do. I'll help everyone and ignore my problems until I stress myself out so much that I flare. I then get angry, cry, and a few hours later I'm better. In my current situation, I'm still in the helping others phase. I'm not going to lie to you, I get mad. Everyone does. I haven't lied to you yet on here and I don't plan on it. Whether it's a flare up or you just lost someone you love, you're gonna get mad and feel emotions and once again, that's ok. Nobody expects you to be your happy self all the time. I also just got a call that my great grandmother might not make it to the end of the day. That's two people I love right there about to leave this world and enter a place where they don't have any pain. I would be lying if I wasn't pissed off right now, daring the world to give me just one more thing to deal with because apparently they all think I'm stronger than I think I am.

This feeling happens. I've talked to others about it, especially when I'm flaring up. I like to know that I'm not the only one who likes to hit a wall and scream when I don't understand why this is happening. You're not alone and you don't have to pretend to be. 

The point of this post was to express that no matter what loss you're dealing with, whatever feelings you have associated with that loss or are experiencing with that loss should be validated and expressed and you should be told that it's ok. 

Things happen all the time that we don't understand and don't want to happen, but you'll make it through, you always do. 

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the Sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed as if there is a light from within"

- Elizabeth Kubler Ross